Aug 212011

I talked a bit about reducing relationships in last weeks post and I mentioned how I am not in any kind of relationship with a girlfriend at the moment and I was not looking. I want to clear the air here a bit and explain a little further. It ain’t all my fault that I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment. It has to do with living here in the Keys. There is a local saying, “You don’t break up with your girlfriend in the Keys, you just lose your turn.”.
But I ran some numbers and came up with some interesting figures on why relationships are hard to come by here in the islands. Let’s forget the tourists for the moment, because, well, they’re tourists and concentrate on the locals. Pay attention, there will be math involved.
Ok, at this moment there are approximately 75000 people residing in the Keys. Let’s play the odds and say half are men and half are female. That means there are 37500 wimmen on the islands.
Of that 37500, half are married. That leaves 18000. We’ll try to work with round numbers here just to make it easy.
Of that 18000, half are waaaaaaay too old even for this Fritter. That leaves 9000.
Of that 9000, half are waaaaaaay too young. Under 21 we’ll say. That leaves 4500.
Of that 4500, half are filthy rich and ain’t going to have anything to do with my sorry broke ass. That leaves 2250.
Of that 2250, half are dirt poor and I ain’t going to have anything to do with their sorry broke ass. It’s tough enough supporting myself these days. That leaves about 1200.
Of that 1200, half are lesbian and no matter how I try, they ain’t coming over to the dark side. In fact I may be personally responsible for some of them turning gay. That leaves 600.
Of that 600, half are involved in serious relationships and will most likely join the the ranks of the married very soon. They are in LOVE! And I may throw up here. That leaves 300.
Of that 300, half are into drugs, booze, or smoking. I am being generous here but you get the idea. No thanks. That leaves 150.
Of that 150, half have kids. Still living with them. And work 2 jobs, one of which involves a brass pole. Tempting, but I’ll pass thank you very much. That leaves about 80.
Of that 80, half are in jail. As much as I enjoy wimmen’s prison movies, I’ll be moving on. That leaves 40.
Of that 40, half are into some religious cult, don’t matter which, they are all the same. And they don’t want to hear my opinions of their magic sky gods, trust me on that one. That leaves 20. We are down to 20 available wimmen out of 37500.
Of that 20, half are dying from or have some sort of horrible disease. Actually that number is probably a lot higher. That leaves 10.
Out of that 10, 6 are severely obese. Yeah, I’m cold hearted but I am talking about the kind of obese you see at the Walmart. The ones who ride the little carts and will plow your skinny ass over if you get between them and the cookie aisle obese. That leaves 4.
Of those 4, 3 are just plain batshit crazy. Even for the Keys. The kind that even the police avoid just so they don’t have to put up with the crazy. That leaves 1.
Out of 37500 wimmen in the Keys there is only 1 sane, single, available, viable girlfriend…and that bitch is just as bitter and jaded as I am so we will never meet.
Love Stinks.
The Fritter.

  One Response to “Dating in the Keys…by the numbers…”

  1. belly laughing. gasping for breath. and i’m one of the “old” ones at 66!
    i can’t picture the fritter with anybody anyway… better to be the single
    sleek witty solo beach lover liver that you are. enuf adjectives for you?
    should you be evacuating? will take awhile on your bike. and the kitties?
    will they let them on the bus? or cab? or however you’ll leave?
    see… this old non-obese non smoking land-locked sea-side wannabe old
    broad is worried about the famous fritter. do keep us posted.
    tammy j