Sep 062012

It’s getting frustrating as hell.  And it’s such a simple thing too.  I’ve quit using grocery bags.  Even the canvas ones.  Now when I go to the grocery store I have my back pack with me which is where all the food will wind up anyways.  So why carry an extra bag?  Instead, I grab a basket when I go into the store.  The basket is about the same capacity as my back pack so when the basket is full, I am done shopping.  Now comes the frustrating part.  When I go to check out I tell the cashier…

“No Bags, Please.”.

Polite, concise, and to the point.  Not a hard statement to understand.

“No Bags, Please.”

Most ordinary people would hear that statement and assume that the person uttering said statement, has waived any rights, desires, or needs for grocery bags.  Someone with average observant skills could also probably deduce that same fact based on the existence of a large bag hanging on the back of the person uttering those three words.

But, we are dealing with corporate mentality here.  Worker bees who have been reeducated in the ways of the corporate masters who know all, see all, and shall not be questioned, less they suffer the wrath of middle management, and a write up on their permanent record.  So, when I say…

“No Bags, Please.”

I get an argument.  Not a real fight mind you, but a definite attempt by the cashier or the bag weasel to attempt to change my mind and bring me into the corporate way of thinking, which in their feeble minds, is the only correct way.

“Are You Sure?”

I am asked.  I repeat…

“No Bags, Please.”

“But…but….but”, it’s like I’ve destroyed their sense of reality.  “What is this?  One who denies the benefit of our obviously superior bags and bagging skills!?  Surely, this person is merely uneducated in the wonders of our more better bags.  We must help this person.  Reeducate them to the one and true corporate way.”

“Are You Sure?”

“No Bags, Please.”

By now all the groceries have been tallied up. I have paid the bill and I’m scrambling to load everything into the backpack, because I am well aware that there are people waiting behind me to check out and I don’t like to hold up other people in line any more than I enjoy being held up in line.  A fact that is lost on the cashier who is now giving me a scowl that would melt butter, probably disappointed that I, an obvious Key West dirtbag, actually had the money to pay for my groceries, denying her the chance to call the manager, have me arrested, and placed in a grocery bag reeducation camp.  But the bag weasel hasn’t given up quite yet.  He leans over to me as I am putting the groceries into my handy back pack and says…

“Are You Sure?  Can you handle that?”

All the while looking nervously over his shoulder for the bagging manager to come over and set me straight, force me to use the free, high quality bags, allow him to do his high skilled food bagging duty, and earn the $7.95 an hour he so richly deserves.

Indeed, who am I, a simple Key West dirtbag, unfit to be in public to begin with, dare to question the superior intellect, the far reaching resources, and advanced well thought out corporate procedures that they have strived so hard to put into place.

Here is a clue:  People are capable of independent thought.  They can do many things without the help of others…walk, dress themselves, and yes, even bag their own groceries.  Not everyone takes advantage of the independent thought in the arsenal that is their brain thingy.  The bag weasel is a perfect example of this.  So, just to help out those of you who don’t use independent thoughts in your everyday life, for those who can’t wipe their own ass without a certified ass wiper to help, please don’t interfere with those of us who do have independent thoughts and prefer to do things on our own without assistance.  All you are doing is getting in the way and annoying the independent thought thinkers.

And if by chance you should ever lose your highly skilled job because an independent thought thinker would not allow you to interfere…leave your place of former employment, go have a stiff drink while celebrating your new found freedom, and think carefully about what events transpired to remove your own ability to have independent thought and turned you into a mindless worker bee.  It would be the first step into someday freeing yourself to be the one to say…

“No Bags, Please.

Capt. Fritter


  8 Responses to “No Bags Please…”

  1. wow. that’s all. just wow.
    i watched a man in a t-shirt too small for his belly…
    he was proudly telling the checkout lady he drank 144 bottles (in plastic) of water a week.
    he was mad because our city had started a recycling route to empty the container (they provided) at our houses each week. he was furious about it. i was next in line and had overheard his bragging that he’d “show’em.” i said “you’re not hurting city hall! you’re hurting mother nature putting all that plastic into the landfill every week!”
    he glared and loomed over me… at least 6’2″ over 5ft 1… “little lady, if you were a guy i’d punch you out for that.”
    so… moral of story… like the bag weasels and bag people and plastic bottle buriers …
    well… i don’t know the moral. you’d have to ask the next four generations that will be visiting the natural animals and wonders of the world in museums i guess.
    it’s like… uh… the FIVE swirling vortexes of plastic garbage even now floating in the oceans that can be seen from space, they say…
    i envision future sight-seeing tours to go see the “plastic wonder of the world!”
    will they see it and say “cool!” ???

  2. But, what do you use to haul your trash out? I’d probably let them bag my groceries then put the whole bag in my backpack. I use those grocery bags. Up to a point. Eventually you accumulate more than you need. But, if I recycle some, I then run out of garbage bags. I hate having to buy garbage bags.

  3. oops.
    sorry cap.
    went away. thought about it. came back.
    it dawns on me you might want me to shut up on your blog and really get my own blog.
    …. you just keep writing about things i’m passionate about!
    but i will butt out now. no worries mate.

    • Noooo. I just figger you have the gift of gab like I do and you should use it to get into as much trouble as I do. Besides you can never leave me. Cause you knows you lub’s me too much. Your comments are always welcome here. As is everyone’s.


  4. Interesting. Out here in Las Vegas the checkout person will usually thank you for bringing your own bag. At least two stores (different companies) I’ve shopped at will credit you a nickle for doing so.


  5. Hmm…I have to admit I’m a bit like Linda here. I do like some free trash bags! However, with my new found minimalistic approach to life I have to toss many of the bags. One person can only use so many plastic bags. They make good doggie clean up bags too though…My Lucky dog helps me get rid of them!

    • It’s not the bags that irritate me. It’s the fact that when I don’t want a bag, I don’t want a bag. And I sure as hell don’t want an argument from the bag weasel.

      C. F.