Mar 062015

When I first started this post I was intent on pointing names and naming fingers.  I even considered publishing email and phone numbers, just to fuck with those who have chosen to fuck with me.  Instead, I will rant here for a bit.  I doubt any of the “people” I describe here will ever read this, but it will at least make me feel more better.

As you well know, I have been having a few trials and tribulations trying to sell this boat.  Scam artists abound in the world and for some reason they all think that Craigslist is the place to go and disrupt peoples lives.  For example, the man who emailed me claiming to be deaf and wanting to buy the boat unseen.  He will send a cashiers check and have his mover pick up the boat.  Sounds legit, right?  Um, no.  You quickly learn who is real and who is not when dealing with this bullshit, and once you know how to sift through it, you smell more better coming out the other side.   But this week?  Well, this week was a new low in bullshit.  This was the shit which shit scrapes off the bottom of it’s shoe.  And as I sit here munching on a bowl of ten penny nails with some milk and sugar, you can bet I am not a happy fritter right now.  We have three contestants to talk about, so let’s get to it.

The first, a female whom I actually know.  She works for an acquaintance and called me up to come and look at the boat last Sunday.  She and said acquaintance came over, looked over everything, and she seemed genuinely interested.  She was looking to go out on the hook, was minimalist in her lifestyle, and appeared for all intent she might buy the boat.  But she wanted to think about it and said she would LET ME KNOW, what she decided.  I asked she let me know as soon as possible as I was needing to close on the sale by today.  She said ok.  And I never heard from her again.  A couple days later I called, no answer.  Sent a text, no answer.  Email, no answer.  Silence.  I finally called the acquaintance and asked if he had talked to her.  Mumble..mumble…she’s busy…mumble…mumble…doesn’t want to clean the boat,  This was the closest I got to an answer.  I really didn’t care if she didn’t want to buy the boat, but tell me, one way or another.  It really pissed me off she could not take time out of her “busy” schedule to at least answer me.  I know she uses her phone all the time, her Facebook page has updates daily.  But no time to answer a text, a call, nor an email?   The upside is at some point she is going to need my help with some web stuff.  Maybe I’ll answer, perhaps not.

On to the next contestant, the new Key West resident.  This guy called around Tuesday.  His story was he was living on the other side of the island.  His girlfriend has a boat in the yard which they live on.  He wanted my boat to play with, sail, fish, dive.  I invited him over and he looked all through the boat.  Asked a lot of questions which indicated he knew a few things about sailing.  We got into transferring the title and he said he needed to get a local address.  I suggested the UPS store and he said, and I am quoting here, “I think I want to buy the boat.  Let me go get this address and take care of that, and I will get back to you tomorrow and we can close the deal.”  I replied, “Ok, but please let me know what is happening so I can get ready to move off the boat.”  His reply, “No problem.  I won’t leave you hanging.”

The next day, as I was dangling from a noose breathing my last I decided at the last minute to call him.  Again quoting, “Oh, I was just doing my laundry.  Me and the girlfriend are going to take her boat and sail up the coast.  I’m not going to buy yours.”  I assumed he had no intention of LETTING ME KNOW, one way or the other.

And now we come to contestant number C, the asshole from Miami.  I should have known from the start by his enthusiasm, but I was getting desperate to sell the boat and any deal sounded good by now.  He called about the ad, and said he had sold his old boat, and was looking to downsize to a smaller one.  He wanted to know if the boat would sail ok back up to Miami, and again, asked the right questions.  I gave my terms and he agreed over the phone.  “I will be down on Thursday by noon to look at the boat and if I like it we have a deal.”.  I said, “Ok, call me when you are on your way and let me know when you are here.”  He agreed.  Thursday morning came and no word.  I figgered maybe he wasn’t getting a phone signal on the bus, and proceeded to get ready to vacate the boat that afternoon.  At noon, no word so I called, no answer.  I texted, no answer.  By 2:00, no word and called again.  I finally got him on the phone.  He claimed he couldn’t find my number on his phone…mumble…mumble…and he wasn’t going to buy the boat.

At this point I was busy helping a neighbor move onto her new boat.  There was a truckload of stuff to move and it was a bit on the tepid side, so I was covered in sweat, tired, and hungry.  And when this son of a bitch told me he wasn’t going to buy the boat after stringing me along all week, I lit into him with a broadside of epithets and insults ranging from casting dispersions upon his sexual preferences to his canine ancestry.  He wondered why I was so upset, to which I simply told him I wanted his entrails roasting on a stick if I ever saw his sorry ass in person, and hung up.  I can understand if he decided he did not want to buy the boat, but LET ME KNOW!

I had things all planned out.  Sell the boat, hop the over night bus to Daytona because it’s BikeWeek next week, and I can stay with a friend up there for free.  Even had some web work set up with an aspiring actress up there.  And I would have been able to visit some old friends, clear my mind of the past month’s events, and get ready to move on.  But no.  Thanks to three inconsiderate jerks who didn’t have the manners nor decency to simply return a phone call/text/email, I’m still on the boat, and seething mad right now.

I had paid for an extra week for the slip thinking the boat was sold.  And I had to leave by Sunday which made selling the damn thing all that more urgent.  But the friend whom I helped move, knowing how pissed off I was, paid me by paying for another week, giving me a more better chance to do something.  And said person has my undying gratitude at the moment.

I don’t know about any of you but I always try to answer anytime someone contacts me with a question.  It’s simple politeness.  I don’t like to be kept waiting and sitting there not knowing what someone is going to do, especially when said decision will determine which direction your life may go, only to find out later, they made a decision, but chose not to share said decision with you, is unforgivable.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately with the cat issues, the weather, and dealing with this boat.  These three pieces of shit just rubbed salt into the wounds and I’m about as mad as I have been in a long time.  I don’t usually lose my temper very often, but when I do, I make up for all the times I hold it in.

I realize from the point of view of these buyers, the boat is meaningless.  A toy to play with.  That’s ok.  Buy it or don’t buy it.  Either way, make a decision and most importantly, LET ME KNOW what the fucking decision is.  For me, this boat is the last obstacle to a new and more free lifestyle.  Once it’s out of my name I have nothing other than my own finances preventing me from going out and doing some really cool shit.

I will continue to try and sell the boat, and eventually someone will bring some cursed Aztec gold or something shiny to trade for it, but I am so ready right now to divest myself of this item.  I had my backpack all set to go.  Everything packed in nice and neat, all set to do some travel, and yet here I sit, contemplating roast entrails and rusty nails for dinner.

Communication.  Manners.  Politeness.  You would think these common things which we are taught about from birth, would be a no brainer.  Well, the no brainer part would be correct.

Capt. Fritter

If I do wind up staying on this boat for awhile, the next thing I’m buying for it is a cannon.