Jan 142018

After yesterday’s kerfuffle I spent the rest of Saturday and the evening scrubbing the skid marks out of my shorts and binge watching Mad Max movies, you know, for survival tips.  Trust the ol’ Captain when I say the last thing you want to wake up to is an alert on your phone telling you there is an inbound ballistic missile attack coming.  It really throws the rest of the day into the shitter.

As it turns out, so far as we know, during a shift change, someone with fat fingers pressed the wrong button at civil defense setting off the alarm.  Even he/she didn’t know what had happened until his/her own phone showed the alert.  Here is the really bad thing, short of it being an actual attack.  It took 38 long, terrifying minutes for CD to send out the, “Sorry, false alarm.  Our bad.” alert.  For those 38 minutes, more than a few people, especially those in Honolulu were sure a nuclear attack was imminent, and it was not pretty.

There was lots of panic, apparently some folks actually had something to live for.  People had no clue as to where any shelters were, and some even resorted to throwing kids down into the sewers to protect them.  But, in their defense, who amongst us hasn’t at one time or another, contemplated throwing some obnoxious brat into the sewers?  Still, probably not the best solution.

Once the all clear was given it took a while for things to settle down.  Everyone was on the phone calling loved ones to let them know everything was ok.  Tourists were able to relax again, and things got back to normal after a few hours.  Out here in Maui, the busses were running a bit late and everyone was walking around with a relieved look on their faces.  But not everyone was up to speed.  While waiting at a bus stop a kid asked me if the missiles had just missed us.  Mayhaps the sewer solution has some merit.

Here at the house we realized early on the alert was a false alarm.  For one, the sirens were not going off.  Had they been sounding then the feces would have been genuine.  Also, we have a guy who comes and stays on the weekends who is in the military.  Within minutes of the alert he was contacted by his commanding officer who told him to go back to bed.  All was well.

Had the attack been real, there is not much we could have done anyways.  Most likely, Maui would not be a target.  There is little here of military value other than the airport and a small deep water harbor.  Pearl Harbor and Honolulu would be the main target and it’s over 100 miles away.  And the prevailing winds would carry any radiation far out to sea.  This is assuming of course the idiots who fired off said missile could actually aim the fucking thing.  100 miles off and we are toast.  Tasty, radioactive toast.

Even if radiation didn’t reach here, had there been an EMP burst all the power out here would be off.  No electricity, no air conditioning, no internet, no tv, no running vehicles, no ability to withdraw money from the banks because the ATM machines would not work.  No planes would be able to get off the ground.  We could be stuck here for along time, we hope.

As islands go, Maui and the Big Island could weather a nuclear attack, assuming said attack was on Oahu, fairly well.  After the initial shock and all the weak are killed and eaten, the islands could easily be self sufficient.  Plenty of fresh water, lots of good soil, assuming it has not been radiated, for growing crops, and still a decent amount of seafood, that is if you don’t mind a little extra strontium-90 with your whale meat.  We could get along just fine with some resourcefulness while the rest of the world burns.

Of course, now with the crisis over the finger naming and name pointing begins.  The Governor of Hawaii has assured us it will never happen again, so the next alert will be the real thing.  Big relief.  And of course every government official looking to get their name in the news or running for reelection is vowing to get to the bottom of this…IMMEDIATELY!!!  Meanwhile, President Stable Genius is down in Florida eating cheeseburgers and playing golf. We know he wasn’t the cause of this as he would never start a war on a weekend when he is relaxing.  We can all sleep more better knowing the #trumpenführer is defending our country.

Anyways, there was no war.  We got a good scare and perhaps this is not a bad thing.  Maybe it will wake some people up who have way more smarts than us worker bees and steps will be taken to limit or eliminate the possibility of a nuclear war being started by accident or on purpose.  Just kidding…the whole planet is fucked.  It’s just a matter of when.

Capt. Fritter

BTW.  Anybody got any tips on which ammunition would work best to kill someone but not destroy the meat so it can be harvested and eaten.  Asking for a friend.

HEY!  Don’t judge me.  Thinking outside the box is what makes the difference between predator and prey.

  One Response to “The Day After, Hawaiian Style…”

  1. Bow and arrow.

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